the very hungry caterpillar

the transition from caterpillar to butterfly is painful, confusing, not to be entered into lightly

this month so far has been filled with pain traveling to different parts and fluctuating.

dad's 16th deathiversary has been difficult and I've managed to stay balanced.


the weight gain is all part of the new me.  I've never been other than a skinny popo until now.  right here and now I love the new me.


at some point I hope to love my life.

NEW PERCEPTIONS OF ABUSE

I SPENT MY CHILDHOOD IN ISOLATION AND NEVER KNEW HOW STUPID AND MEAN PEOPLE COULD BE.

MY FAMILY WAS NORMALLY STUPID AND MEAN FOR THE TEN PERCENT THAT CAUSES TROUBLE.

I CAN AVOID THEM.  THEY'RE DEAD AND ALL THE MEAN SPIRITED ONES ARE DEAD TO ME TOO!!!!!

V VILLAGE BBQ SAT 7/18/15

PERFECT DAY OF BEING.

I''M FEELING VERY SATISFIED.  

LOVELY WEEKEND. I WENT TO COSTCO GAS, FRESH AND EASY, HOME TO REST AND PUT AWAY VEGS.  I THEN WENT TO SRS, EXERCISED.  10 am PARKED AT VALLEY VILLAGE AND SORTED CARRY BAG.  WALKED AROUND EXHIBITS AND FINALLY GOT QUOTE OF $104.90 FOR MEDICARE IF I PAY MYSELF, NOT THROUGH SOC. SEC.  

SITTING ON BENCH IN SHADE, LISTENING TO THE LIVE BAND ELLA MAE CAME BY WITH HER PLATE.  I INVITED HER TO SIT AND WE TALKED A BIT AND I WENT TO GET MY FOOD.  I HAD WONDERED HOW TO SAVE MY SEAT AND GOD SENT HER.  

SO WE ATE A GREAT LUNCH OF BAKED BEANS/BACON, POLISH SAUSAGE, GREEN SALAD, POTATO SALAD, CHIPS AND I ATE EVERY BIT.  WE LISTENED TO MUSIC AND SAW CAROL WHO DIDN'T WANT TO SIT WITH US.  

A LOT OF THE SR CTR LADIES WERE THERE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO LIVE THERE.

I GOT SOME BAKED BEANS AND SAUSAGE IN A CUP TO TAKE HOME.

GROUNDHOG DAY- I WOULDN'T MIND IF EVERY DAY COULD BE AS STRESS FREE.

OVERCOMING ASPERGERS

SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN MIND-JULY/AUGUST 2015

THE ELASTIC DECLARATIVE MEMORY CAN COMPENSATE FOR ADHD, AUTISM, SPECIFIC LANGUAGE IMPAIRMENT.

WHY EVEN THOUGH I SUFFERED OTHERNESS AS A CHILD THE COPING BEHAVIORS I LEARNED SERVE TO KEEP MY MIND AGILE AND ABLE TO ADAPT AND ADJUST.

ALSO THE ATTENTION DEFICIT PROTECTED ME FROM ABSORBING THE NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS OF MY PARENTS AND OTHER NEG ADULTS AROUND ME.  

BEING FORCED BY ABUSE TO CONTAIN MY HYPERACTIVITY TAUGHT ME INTERNAL CONTROL.


                             THANK YOU GOD/JESUS               
                      

THE MYSTERY OF REPEATING LIVES

IT'S JUST SOOO EASY.  MOST PEOPLE REPEAT WHAT THEY'VE SEEN BEFORE.

THEY ARE COMFORTED BY KNOWING THE END OF THE STORY, BELIEVING IT MAKES THEM   APPEAR  SMARTER.

HOW CLEVER TO KNOW THE ENDING AND SO THEY REPEAT SOMEONE ELSE'S LIFE.  OR A PAST LIFE.  OR THEIR PARENTS' LIFE.

AFRAID TO LIVE AN UNKNOWN LIFE WITH AN UNKNOWN ENDING.  

WHICH IS WHY NIXON WAS PRESIDENT TWICE.  THE KNOWN CROOK VERSUS THE UNKNOWN POSSIBLY HONEST MAN.

FEEELING LIKE A KID AGAIN-POOL SHOES

NOT DOING WHAT I DID BEFORE.

I'M FREE FOR THE FIRST TIME CATCHING GREEN LIGHTS, FINDING COINS, ASKING AND RECIEVING WITHOUT THE ANXIETY OF FEELING IT'S TOO GOOD.

GOOD IS UNLIMITED.  KRISTEN WIIG MOVIE-WELCOME TO ME.  WINS 86 MILLION ON LOTTO AND GOES OFF MEDS BELIEVING SHE DOESN'T NEED THEM ANYMORE.  AND SHE CRASHES AND RISES FROM THE ASHES.

THE FIRST PAIR I FOUND NEW AT SAVERS $4 ON SENIORS 20% OFF, MY SIZE 7.  THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE BECAUSE NOW THEY WANT $8.

THE SECOND PAIR I FOUND AT ST JUSTINS FOR $1.50 SIZE 8, NEW, SLIPPER PRICE AND HALF OFF.

I WANTED MORE POOL SHOES SO I'VE BEEN CHECKING THE WALGREENS,AND SAVERS, AND ST JUSTINS. I WENT TO SRS TO GOOF AROUND, EXECISE AND PUZZLE, AND FOUND THE AD FOR BIG 5.  COULDN'T LOCATE EXACT LOCATION ONLINE SO CALLED T.  HE SAID HE'S COMING OVER TOMORROW.  HE THOUGHT TODAY WAS FRIDAY AND WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE CJ ON SUNDAY FORGETTING HE TOLD ME SUNDAY.  SO I INVITED MYSELF TO CJ AT MOTEL 6 IN SUNNYVALE ON MATHILDA.  WITH WHAT'S HIS NAME.  RICHARD. 

YAY!!!  PARTY.  T SAYS NO BUT I SAY YES.

AND I BOUGHT THREE PAIR $10 EA IN MY SIZE 7, BLACK SOLES.  PURPLE/BLK, PINK/BLK, BLK/BLK.

CHILDHOOD ISN'T FOR SISSIES

THEY SAY OLD AGE ISN'T FOR SISSIES BUT NEITHER IS CHILDHOOD.  

I'VE TAKEN TO WRITING IN CAPS TO AVOID SHIFTING.  THIS IS AUTOWRITE.  ALL WRITE.

AWESOME!!!

I LOVE THE PINK / GREEN BACKGROUND.  MY PROMISE OF A GIFTED LIFE.  

WHILE DOING THE COURSE IN MIRACLE IN GILROY 1985 I LUCID DREAMED I WALKED DOWN THE HALLWAY AT 2281 NOBILI, MY FAMILY HOME, AND ENTERED THE BATHROOM TO FIND CARPET WHERE THE BATHTUB SHOULD BE AND A STACK OF GIFTS WRAPPED IN WHITE PAPER / GREEN AND PINK RIBBONS.  I KNEW ALL THESE PRESENTS WERE MINE.

THAT'S WHERE THE MOM-ABUSER DIED, IN THE BATHTUB.

MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE WEIRD.  I'VE ALL WAYS FELT LIKE A TRESSPASSER IN THE HOUSE THAT WAS NEVER MY HOME.  IN ALL WAYS.  I FELT ABUSED.  I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA AND THESE PEOPLE WERE MY EMPLOYERS.  

I ASKED MY MOM ONE TIME WHY SHE ALLWAYS ASKED ME TO DO EVERYTHING AND SHE SAID BECAUSE I NEVER COMPLAINED, LIKE ANYONE WOULD HAVE NOTICED.  OR CARED.

I WAS PUNISHED FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S SCREWUPS!!  I WOULD HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR COMPLAINING. 

MY CHILDHOOD MADE ME PARANOID.  ALL MISTAKES BECAME MY FAULT AND ALL MY SUCCESSES WERE CONSIDERED LUCK.  OF COURSE I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER.  IT'S ONLY A DISORDER BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL DEAD TO ME.  MY WARNING SYSTEM AVOIDS ANY AND ALL SIMILAR TYPES.  

EXPLAINS MY DISCOMFORT WITH SUCCESS.  THE UPSIDE IS I DON'T NEED APPROVAL OTHER THAN MY OWN.

THE ABUSERS AROUND MY LIFE ARE MINOR BY COMPARISON.  AND I AM NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED TO ANY OF THEM.



I'M STILL IN THE HOUSE LEARNING TO FEEL AT HOME.