FEEELING LIKE A KID AGAIN-POOL SHOES

NOT DOING WHAT I DID BEFORE.

I'M FREE FOR THE FIRST TIME CATCHING GREEN LIGHTS, FINDING COINS, ASKING AND RECIEVING WITHOUT THE ANXIETY OF FEELING IT'S TOO GOOD.

GOOD IS UNLIMITED.  KRISTEN WIIG MOVIE-WELCOME TO ME.  WINS 86 MILLION ON LOTTO AND GOES OFF MEDS BELIEVING SHE DOESN'T NEED THEM ANYMORE.  AND SHE CRASHES AND RISES FROM THE ASHES.

THE FIRST PAIR I FOUND NEW AT SAVERS $4 ON SENIORS 20% OFF, MY SIZE 7.  THEY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE BECAUSE NOW THEY WANT $8.

THE SECOND PAIR I FOUND AT ST JUSTINS FOR $1.50 SIZE 8, NEW, SLIPPER PRICE AND HALF OFF.

I WANTED MORE POOL SHOES SO I'VE BEEN CHECKING THE WALGREENS,AND SAVERS, AND ST JUSTINS. I WENT TO SRS TO GOOF AROUND, EXECISE AND PUZZLE, AND FOUND THE AD FOR BIG 5.  COULDN'T LOCATE EXACT LOCATION ONLINE SO CALLED T.  HE SAID HE'S COMING OVER TOMORROW.  HE THOUGHT TODAY WAS FRIDAY AND WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE CJ ON SUNDAY FORGETTING HE TOLD ME SUNDAY.  SO I INVITED MYSELF TO CJ AT MOTEL 6 IN SUNNYVALE ON MATHILDA.  WITH WHAT'S HIS NAME.  RICHARD. 

YAY!!!  PARTY.  T SAYS NO BUT I SAY YES.

AND I BOUGHT THREE PAIR $10 EA IN MY SIZE 7, BLACK SOLES.  PURPLE/BLK, PINK/BLK, BLK/BLK.

CHILDHOOD ISN'T FOR SISSIES

THEY SAY OLD AGE ISN'T FOR SISSIES BUT NEITHER IS CHILDHOOD.  

I'VE TAKEN TO WRITING IN CAPS TO AVOID SHIFTING.  THIS IS AUTOWRITE.  ALL WRITE.

AWESOME!!!

I LOVE THE PINK / GREEN BACKGROUND.  MY PROMISE OF A GIFTED LIFE.  

WHILE DOING THE COURSE IN MIRACLE IN GILROY 1985 I LUCID DREAMED I WALKED DOWN THE HALLWAY AT 2281 NOBILI, MY FAMILY HOME, AND ENTERED THE BATHROOM TO FIND CARPET WHERE THE BATHTUB SHOULD BE AND A STACK OF GIFTS WRAPPED IN WHITE PAPER / GREEN AND PINK RIBBONS.  I KNEW ALL THESE PRESENTS WERE MINE.

THAT'S WHERE THE MOM-ABUSER DIED, IN THE BATHTUB.

MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE WEIRD.  I'VE ALL WAYS FELT LIKE A TRESSPASSER IN THE HOUSE THAT WAS NEVER MY HOME.  IN ALL WAYS.  I FELT ABUSED.  I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA AND THESE PEOPLE WERE MY EMPLOYERS.  

I ASKED MY MOM ONE TIME WHY SHE ALLWAYS ASKED ME TO DO EVERYTHING AND SHE SAID BECAUSE I NEVER COMPLAINED, LIKE ANYONE WOULD HAVE NOTICED.  OR CARED.

I WAS PUNISHED FOR EVERYONE ELSE'S SCREWUPS!!  I WOULD HAVE BEEN PUNISHED FOR COMPLAINING. 

MY CHILDHOOD MADE ME PARANOID.  ALL MISTAKES BECAME MY FAULT AND ALL MY SUCCESSES WERE CONSIDERED LUCK.  OF COURSE I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER.  IT'S ONLY A DISORDER BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL DEAD TO ME.  MY WARNING SYSTEM AVOIDS ANY AND ALL SIMILAR TYPES.  

EXPLAINS MY DISCOMFORT WITH SUCCESS.  THE UPSIDE IS I DON'T NEED APPROVAL OTHER THAN MY OWN.

THE ABUSERS AROUND MY LIFE ARE MINOR BY COMPARISON.  AND I AM NOT BIOLOGICALLY RELATED TO ANY OF THEM.



I'M STILL IN THE HOUSE LEARNING TO FEEL AT HOME.

LUCK=RIGHT THINKING and HARD WORK

I was never given credit for my accomplishments.  No cash either.


I was called lucky by my family. 


When I got to college I learned the name of my way of life was called Critical Path Management.  MY FAMILY WAS ALWAYS IN SOME CRISIS.  A PACK OF DRAMA ROYALTY.


I taught myself to look at the big picture to optimize success.  AND REDUCE STRESS.


Rather than analyze my method my family chose to call it luck.  Over and over again. They labeled me lucky and I was the luckiest kid ever; not realizing how much time and effort my luck required. 

I'd gotten used to doing it automatically.  Until it became my second nature.

I WAS A VERY UNUSUAL CHILD.

DREAM-Unity's daily word

I had a most pleasant lucid dream.  J. Hadley in beautiful store(?).  She gives me long necklace and earrings in fine silver(white gold?), 6mm pearls, and crystals.  She says they're mine.  For me. 


Thought I'd lost a car key.  It was clipped to my fleece shirt.  I took the shirt off and remembered after I looked all over the car and the ground.  I hate when I scare myself.  Such a Bad Habit.


Forgot to bring cranberry sauce.  Yesterday EM gave me a can with orders to bring some cut up today.  Went to Fresh & Easy and found fresh with orange so I was going to bring that and forgot it.  I put it out and forgot to bring it.  I was going to put it in an insulated bag and got distracted.


The story of my life is a series of distractions.  I just have to believe the perfection.  Or surrender My disbelief. 


I was starting to worry about not receiving my new Daily Word.  I renewed online last month.  Was going to call and there it was in the mail.


Got a letter from Union Bank warning of inactivity and I tried my ATM successfully!!  Hurray for Susan!!!  Read something that said affirmations are more effective in the second person. 


I'm still only semi-literate on the computer. Oh, well there is always next year.


Tomas mentioned the PowWow New Year's Eve.  Yes, I want to go!!


 

Still Paranoid after all these years

Still feeling the universe is out to get me.  All those 18 childhood and 20 adult years caring for negative, abusive, toxic parents and siblings take so much energy to expunge.

No wonder I feel exhausted.  Constantly reprogramming the feelings that surface.  I am infinitely grateful I'm feeling and dealing.

So the subconscious is out in the open.  And scary as the Bogey man is  I'm a capable, strong adult now.

still Feeling vulnerable

After having best birthday ever, realizing the only reason they didn't give me up for adoption was he was afraid I'd have a better life than him, I'm waiting to be punished by them or worse, punishing myself simply from constantly being habituated.

Story of Robert from Goodwill, client who after a lifetime of childhood abuse, threw himself down a flight of stairs when his life was going too good.  Breaking his leg and sustaining various and sundry wounds and contusions.

I'm terrified of being that creature of habit.

I've worked sooo HARD to reprogram and I'm so afraid to do the wrong thing.  I'm working so hard to reinforce positive, healthy behavior I'm feeling exhausted just trying to keep up with every day maintenance.

Sometimes(frequently) it doesn't feel like it's getting better

There's so much I'd like to change.  Consideration for all.  My house.  Which I'm doing in tiny increments.  I suppose the better to fully experience life. 

I guess this blog is the first step I took to have my life look, feel, and taste the way I choose.

WOW!!!

I'm doing it without the awareness I'm doing it.