BAD MOM-SUNDAY

BOTH MY SISTERS LIE AND STEAL BECAUSE OF THEIR ROLE MODELS. 

DAD APPROPIATED (STOLE) WHATEVER HE WANTED.  MIT'S THIEVERY.  BOTH PARENTS WERE PHD'S IN INSANITY.

I WAS LUCKY (BLESSED, THERE IS NO LUCK, ONLY KARMA) TO HAVE BABAN TO LEARN FROM.  I HAVE BETTER CHOICES.  I CAN BE MYSELF NOT MY PARENTS. 

BECAUSE MOM NEGLECTED AND ABUSED ME I DON'T IDENTIFY WITH HER.  MY UNIVERSE DOESN'T INCLUDE HER.  I HAVE TO SHUN CRAZY L.(MY SISTERS).  I WENT TO SAFEWAY YESTERDAY TO GET FREE PROTEIN BAR, HOTDOGS AND $5BOSTON CREAM STRAWBERRY CAKE.  CRAZY L WAS AT HOTDOGS, I RAN AWAY. 

I LEARNED TO SEW OR I'D HAVE LIVED IN RAGS.  NEITHER OF MY SISTERS ARE SELF SUFFICIENT.  THE DIFFERENCE FOR A SELF ACTUALIZED LIFE.  ABUSE.

MY LIFE IS SOOO DIFFERENT.  TODAY I WENT TO THE GYM AFTER CLASSICAL STRETCH.  I WAS GOING TO WEAR MY FLIPS AND CHANGED TO MY BOOTS.  TYGJ.  SAW AN ESTATE SALE AND LOOKED AROUND.  THE BACK YARD WAS DUSTY AND DIRT.  I FOUND NOTHING. 

I DECIDED THEN TO CONTINUE TO THE MAIN LIBRARY TO RETURN DVDS.  I FOUND LAMP AND TUPPERWARE.   AND HAD LUNCH AT ST. JUSTINS, WON $3 AT BINGO.  COVERS MY PURCHASE. 

MY LIFE IS SOOO DIFFERENT.

PTSD-JAN13-MAY13

MOM'S B-DAY IS HITTING ME PRETTY HARD.

I'M FEELING SAD AND DEPRESSED.  IF NOT FOR MY HABITS I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO MOVE. 

COMPULSIVE OBSESSIVE BEHAVIORS ARE GOOD FOR CARRYING ON. 

I WONDER IF THE VIOLENCE AND ABUSE CAUSED THE COMPULSIVE OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR?

HELENE SIMONE IS A GOOD MOM TO MALES AND ME.  SHE SHARED HALF HER PIECE OF CAKE AND GAVE ME HER DISCARD NEWSPAPER AND HER SAFEWAY MONOPOLY GAME PIECES.

TOMAS WAITED ON HER SATURDAY AND HE HAD TO CALL ME TO TELL ME AT 8:02 PM.

SO I'M HANGING AT THE LIBRARY R/T THE DEPRESSING HOUSE.

I HAVE SALAD AND CHICKEN FROM SENIOR LUNCH.

ALL I NEED IS A NAP.

VV JUMBLE-SRS

SLEPT 2-6:30.  GOT COCKY LAST NITE.  T CALLED 7:30 TO SAY HELENE SIMONE STOPPED BY.  I WATCHED ALFRED HITCHCOCK TIL 8:30. BARBARA BARRIE, MRS BARNEY MILLER.

WENT VF SAFEWAY FOR PUDDING CAKE VISITED CVS.  FELT SOOO GOOD.

THEN I COULDN'T SLEEP.  OH, WELL.  PROBABLY NOT THE LAST TIME.  SHE SAID WRYLY.

DOING WHAT I DO-ST JUSTIN YARD SALE-ME AND $

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S WHAT I LOVE. 

LAST NIGHT RETURNED DVDS 11:45 PM.  SO I WOULDN'T HAVE LATE FEES ON MY RECORD.  REMEMBERED AT 11:20 PM.

TODAY REMEMBERED ST. JUSTIN YARD SALE 9-2.  BOUGHT MUSEUM GRADE GLASS PUMKIN FROM JONATHON YAO.  $25.  SIZE OF A CHILD'S HEAD.  SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL. 

ENTERED ALL SAFEWAY NUMBERS FOR MONOPOLY GAME.  YESTERDAY I SPENT 3 HOURS GOING TO VF, $AN CARLOS FOUND 16 KAVA, SCU, RIVERMARK 2X, NORTHSIDE LIBRARY A NEW WODEHOUSE BK I HAVEN'T READ, BACK TO SCU.  2X GAME PIECES.  BOUGHT TURKEY SPAM.  MARIA AT 9:30 MORE SPAM.

I'M DOING WELL.  I STILL HAD ENERGY TO START VINEGAR/HONEY CHICKEN BBQ CROCK.  ADDED ONIONS AND TOMATOES THIS AM. BEEN EATING BROCCOLI STEM RAW.  SOO GOOD. 

I'M HUNGRY, LATER.

MONDAY APRIL 25

AUNTY TOMIE CHANGED MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MONEY.  

I'VE ALWAYS WORKED HARD FOR WHAT I HAVE.  BY HER GIVING ME MONEY WITHOUT STRINGS I CAN SPEND IT JOYFILLED.

I WROTE AND TOLD HER SO.

FEELING LIKE A CHILD

THE LETTER FROM THE IRS LAST FRIDAY HAS ME DEPRESSED, SAD.

IT'S LIKE ANOTHER HIT FROM THE FAMILY.

EVERY BAD THING STARTED FROM THE FAMILY.

CAN I THINK OF ANYTHING GOOD?      GOOD QUESTION.

I DON'T KNOW-STILL SHAKEN-See Adult

FALLOUT FROM TRAUMA-SAW AIL SATURDAY 1-2.

I THOUGHT I WAS OK.  YESTERDAY IS A BLUR.  I'M GLAD I WROTE ABOUT MY FEELINGS.  I'M FEELING SURREAL.  I WENT TO SAVERS AND LOST ALL SENSE OF EQUILIBRIUM.  I CALLED T TWICE.  HE WAS WORKING?  I SOLDIERED ON TO SAVEMART FOR MY FREE BACON CAESAR SALAD.  I GOT HOME AND RESTED.  I ATE THE ENTIRE SALAD.  IN TWO STAGES.

I SUSTAINED SO MUCH ABUSE.  THIS A.M. THE FRONT DOOR WAS AJAR.  WHEN IS A DOOR NOT A DOOR.  WHEN IT'S AJAR.  LUCKILY IT'S BEEN RAINING AND WARM.  IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE A TO HAVE M CHECK UP ON ME.

I HAVE TO BE CARE FULL NOT TO ABUSE MYSELF.

I HAVEN'T BEEN SLEEPING SOUNDLY.  OR MAYBE I'VE BEEN WAKING WHEN DISTURBED.  MORE LIKELY GIVEN THE PAST HISTORY OF MY SISTERS.  GASLIGHTING MAY BECOME A HABIT.  THEY DID IT TO MOM.

YESTERDAY THE SIDE DOOR WAS UNLOCKED WHEN I GOT HOME.  SHE LIKES ACTING SNEAKY AND THINKS IT'S SMART.

IT MAY NOT BE ME.

WELL, TODAY OR TOMORROW I CAN GET MY FREE CHILI'S MEAL.

SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

INTO THE NEW YEAR-MAKING MY DREAMS COME TRUE

TODAY'S DAILY WORD.

THIS A.M. WHEN I AWOKE I REALIZED I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPY AND THAT AS A EMBRYO MY LIFE OF ASPERGERS WAS CREATED BY THE LEVEL OF STRESS HORMONES THAT NURTURED MY CELLS.  MOM AND DAD FIGHTING ALL THE TIME.

I COULD FEEL IN MY BODY THE MEMORY OF HOW I WAS BORN.  THEY THOUGHT I MIGHT BE BRAIN DAMAGED BECAUSE I WAS A BLUE BABY WITH THE HEART HOLE.

ANXIETY HAS BEEN THE NORM.  BEING RETARDED WOULD HAVE FIT MOM'S SENSE OF DRAMA.  SELF-PITY.  THE DESCRIPTION FOR MOM AND DAD.

SATURDAY THE 9TH WAS THE BEST!!!  I WENT TO VALLEY VILLAGE FOR THE JUMBLE TO FIND OUT IT WAS POSTPONED TO THE 30TH.

I CONTINUED ON TO THE SENIOR'S CENTER TO EXERCISE.

I THOUGHT I'D GO TO THE LIBRARY TO AIR DRY MY HAIR AND STOPPED TO SEE ST. JUSTIN'S.  THEY'D BEEN CLOSED.  THEY WERE FULL FROM BEING CLOSED.  I FOUND 7 DVDS-$1 EA, 3 SMALL PALLETES-$1, NEW MINI CAST IRON PAN WITH TWO BROWNIE MIX-$3, S/L ANN TAYLOR BEADED NECK TURQUOISE COTTON SWEATER-$3.  THE GENTLEMAN RANG UP THE DVDS AND PALLETTES AND GAVE ME THE LAST TWO ITEMS.  GOD IS GOOD.  THANK YOU GOD-JESUS!!!!

                              NO MATTER THE APPEARANCE KEEP ON.