AND THEY'RE BACK

AGAIN TODAY I UPDATED A POST AND IT DUPLICATED WITHOUT CONTENT BECOMING A DRAFT. 


WHEN IT HAPPENED B4 IT WAS LOST.  AND NOW IT'S FOUND.

WOWIE, WOW, WOW!!!! KINESTHETIC.

I'M NOT VISUAL, I'M KINESTHETIC LIKE MOM.  SHE HATED HERSELF SO SHE HATED ME.

ALL THIS TIME I THOUGHT I WAS VISUAL BECAUSE I HID IN BOOKS.

I WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE MY RELATIONS.

READING WAS MY SANITY SALVATION.


WAIT A MINUTE, SHE DIDN'T HATE ME, JUST HERSELF.

WAHH!!!!

I FEEL LIKE CRYING.  MAYBE I'M JUST HUNGRY. I DON'T KNOW.  LIKE A BABY.

IF I'D HAD SOMEONE TO TEACH ME TO DIFFERENTIATE MY FEELINGS I'D KNOW WHAT I WANT, WHAT I FEEL.

I JUST WASN'T ALLOWED TO FEEL.  I WAS BEATEN INTO SUBMISSION SO THEY COULD GO ON THEIR HYPOCRITICAL WAY.  THE SCAPEGOAT, FAMILY DOG, ENABLER.

WOW!!!!  I DO IT FOR EVERYONE I MEET.  I JOLLY THEM INTO HIGHER VIBES.

MY MINIMAL CONTACT ALLOWS THEM TO ABSORB AND IMPLEMENT CHANGES IN THEIR LIVES.  THE PROGRAMMED GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.  SO ALL MY RELATIONSHIPS ARE CURSORY.  I WAS PROGRAMMED TO BE ALONE.

THE PERFECT GROUP=CO-DEPENDENTS.  OH SO POLITE AND RESPECTFUL.

COUNSELORS, EVERYONE.

AND EVERYTHING I BUY STRIPS AWAY ANOTHER LEVEL OF GETTING TO WHAT I WANT.  WHAT I FEEL.

THIS WAS BROUGHT ON BY THE NEW LUCKY'S WIN A TOYOTA CONTEST.  I WON A CADILLAC ESCALADE WHEN I WAS BEDRIDDEN AND TOO SICK TO DO ANYTHING WHEN THEY HAD THE INDY 500 CONTEST.  I KNEW I COULDN'T ACCEPT.  NON TRANSFERABLE AND SUBJECT TO THE SPONSORS.  BESIDES THE TAX IMPLICATIONS.
I WAS SERIOUSLY CONSIDERING ENTERING THIS CONTEST BY MAIL.  I DID THAT BEFORE AND WON.  BUT I DIDN'T EVEN PICK UP THE FREE AW ROOT BEER 2 LITER LAST WEEK.  DO I REALLY WANT A NEW CAR THAT WILL LOSE HALF IT'S VALUE THE FIRST YEAR.

NO.

WHEW!!!!

SO TYPICAL.  SELF SABOTAGE.


SO AS SOON AS I WROTE THAT, I COULDN'T FIND MY CHEAT SHEET FOR MY ONLINE ACCOUNTS.  PANIC. 


THEN I LOOKED FOR MY BACKUP AND IT WASN'T TOO OBSOLETE.  THEN I FOUND THE CHEAT SHEET IN MY BILL WALLET.  SO I UPDATED ALL COPIES.  I'M CURRENT.


I PRINTED OUT THE INSTRUCTIONS FOR 8962.  IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DOUBLE SIDED.  NOT. 


SO I CAN FILL AND FILE.


I SPENT THE THREE DAY WEEKEND DOING NOTHING SATURDAY, SUNDAY-ONE LOAD OF LAUNDRY AT THE KIELY, SFWAY, DROP OFF MAIN LIB DVD+BOOKS, HOME.  MONDAY WATCHED MY OWN DVDS. 


AND TODAY I'M BACK AT SENIORS. 


THIS A.M. NO XWORDS OR OZZIE+HARRIET.  SO I WENT GYM-SV FOR A SOAK AND STRAIGHT HERE.


I WAS CONCERNED I WAS DEPRESSED.  MAYBE I'M JUST PEACE FILLED.

confusion

I'M FEELING LIFE IS TOO GOOD AND MY MIND REFUSES TO ENCOMPASS HOW GOOD I FEEL  I NEVER REALIZED HOW CEREBRAL I AM.  I CAN'T STAY WITH JUST FEELING GOOD.  I'M NOT USED TO FEELING GOOD.  THEY ALWAYS TOOK IT AWAY FROM ME WITH SOME KIND OF TORTURE AND I LEARNED IF I PUNISHED MYSELF THEY'D LEAVE ME ALONE.  .

THIS IS A NEW EXPERIENCE.  THIS IS THE LONGEST IT'S LASTED WITHOUT ME SCARING MYSELF.

I FILLED THE CAR WITH GAS AND THE TIRES WITH AIR.  I HAVE THREE DAYS BEFORE I HAVE TO THINK OF PAYING BILLS.  HEAVEN.  I CAN REMEMBER HOW TO SPELL HEAVEN.  THE CARTOONS HAD A SENIOR MAGICIAN WHO PUTS HIS KEYS IN A DRAWER, LEAVES THE ROOM FOR 5 MINUTES, COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM AND REMEMBERS THE KEYS!!!

I'D WORRY EXCEPT BEING ATTENTION DEFICIT, HOW WILL I KNOW IF I'M BECOMING FORGETFUL.  AND I CAN'T KEEP MY ATTENTION ON IT LONG ENOUGH TO BECOME WORRIED.

OK AT THE OK CORRAL

I'M REMINDING MYSELF NOT TO GARDEN IN THE HIGH WINDS WE CURRENTLY ARE EXPERIENCING.

WELL, WHEN I DO I'LL BE ENTHUSIASTIC.

I CAN GO TO SAFEWAY AND TRY FOR THE HOT DOGS AND DVDS.

BAD MOM-SUNDAY

BOTH MY SISTERS LIE AND STEAL BECAUSE OF THEIR ROLE MODELS. 

DAD APPROPIATED (STOLE) WHATEVER HE WANTED.  MIT'S THIEVERY.  BOTH PARENTS WERE PHD'S IN INSANITY.

I WAS LUCKY (BLESSED, THERE IS NO LUCK, ONLY KARMA) TO HAVE BABAN TO LEARN FROM.  I HAVE BETTER CHOICES.  I CAN BE MYSELF NOT MY PARENTS. 

BECAUSE MOM NEGLECTED AND ABUSED ME I DON'T IDENTIFY WITH HER.  MY UNIVERSE DOESN'T INCLUDE HER.  I HAVE TO SHUN CRAZY L.(MY SISTERS).  I WENT TO SAFEWAY YESTERDAY TO GET FREE PROTEIN BAR, HOTDOGS AND $5BOSTON CREAM STRAWBERRY CAKE.  CRAZY L WAS AT HOTDOGS, I RAN AWAY. 

I LEARNED TO SEW OR I'D HAVE LIVED IN RAGS.  NEITHER OF MY SISTERS ARE SELF SUFFICIENT.  THE DIFFERENCE FOR A SELF ACTUALIZED LIFE.  ABUSE.

MY LIFE IS SOOO DIFFERENT.  TODAY I WENT TO THE GYM AFTER CLASSICAL STRETCH.  I WAS GOING TO WEAR MY FLIPS AND CHANGED TO MY BOOTS.  TYGJ.  SAW AN ESTATE SALE AND LOOKED AROUND.  THE BACK YARD WAS DUSTY AND DIRT.  I FOUND NOTHING. 

I DECIDED THEN TO CONTINUE TO THE MAIN LIBRARY TO RETURN DVDS.  I FOUND LAMP AND TUPPERWARE.   AND HAD LUNCH AT ST. JUSTINS, WON $3 AT BINGO.  COVERS MY PURCHASE. 

MY LIFE IS SOOO DIFFERENT.