evil=live

backward living.  living backward.  racist pandemic, viral pandemic is the result of the mental health pandemic that's existed because of the human resistance to change.  being human we resist change.  being autistic i'm very conscious, self aware of my alarm bells when anything changes no matter how tiny.  being conscious i know to check the validity of the alarm.  is there any real danger or is it knee jerk.

mental health is imperative to physical and socioeconomic health.  the only evil is to live backwards.  people insist on living not where it's safe but what looks impressive.  i watch people on tv crying they were burned out 3 years ago and they expect to rebuild today.  to be burned out again.  there is no sense in rebuilding in an historic burn area to be burned out again in the future is only a matter of time.  they are in denial.

this country was founded by dysfunctional free men pretending slavery was ok.  freedom is impossible where any are enslaved or indentured.  the hypocrisy of the partial democracy is obviously racially motivated by frightened little minds using the easiest line of demarcation; appearance.  american history is riddled with racial injustices.  until honesty is the standard there will be no justice.   trump knows he's a crook and is fine with the fact.  he feels entitled and superior.  i've experienced the same attitude from my family.  being inferior survival requires a superiority stance.  equality is the only peace.  anything else requires constant vigilance and posturing.

little by little

i forgot to close page and it must have stayed connected.  waited patiently for me.

i dreamed of my sisters all night resolving my emotions, accepting them as they are.  i slept to igor reprogramming my past creating my future. 

i watched canterville ghost.  having so much time feels odd.  lovely cool overcast. 

got here seniors 10 am car #3 little bev comes over to my open window starts rattling about everyone late through window no mask.  so inconsiderate.  i told her it's dark overcast don't you have a mask.  so stupid makes me feel angry she's so dumb.  i can understand kids being that stupid i even expect it but a senior should have learned better by now.  she never talks to me and i prefer it that way.  she's rude and condescending. 

i got out to throw the fruit, grabbed the wrong bag retrieved 5 avocado picked up this morning.  ooh, i'm incensed.  on fire.

i checked lucky's for water none found $2 carnitas.  cupertino library then grocery outlet no grapefruit or water.  central library long line hot sweaty and i'm ok.  came home cooked pork in garage oven.  mixed garlic salt, heated rice added 2 eggs and cream cheese half power 10 minutes.  delicious. 

i watched vp debate harris strong calm brilliant.  then i watched 'the medallion', cheers and taxi.  heavenly.

not day

i'm feeling a little blue and rattled.  i was always the historian remembering, reminding others to honor each other.  i've decided to honor my imaginary sisters today.  the ones i believed i had who would miraculously realize how i had looked after them for so many years.  not.  i deserve a loving supporting family instead of the predators i'm horrifically biologically related to.  oh, so charming.  i'm still having new flashback memories of infant abuse.  i'm a miracle considering my history.  i was groomed to be the scapegoat sacrificial lamb destined for drugs, alcoholism and suicide.

trump is using covid to his advantage as the big strong hero.  i have to laugh he's so consistent.  i wonder what all the extra drugs are doing to his system.  maybe make him, sane i can hope.

senior lunch 9;46 arrival car #2.  i got distracted at home by traffic in front.  constant stream of cars.  i came straight here sticking to reassuring schedule. 

i read through the market ads came yesterday.  and planned city returns.  i forgot county at home.  tomorrow and thy 3-7.  maybe both tomorrow.

i was going to walk and got caught up in blog.  10;43 66 o feels very hot.  maybe from direct sun, not parked in shade.

trying to play word finder won't load.  typical.  i looked for karaoke to use in living room 2 in back too big.  maybe i want a small boom box.  i looked for peroxide in side room zero.  i used them.

change

i called miss alex and changed my dental appointment for friday.  it gives me the weekend to recover.  my neck and shoulders feel ok not good yet.  phone cut out 4 times.  frustrating.

dollar store listerine and fruit c's.  i went to walmart looking for the grapefruit mix and peroxide.  found 2 boxes in different clearance maybe i can find more online.  the peroxide is different brand swan not equate.  i'll have to buy online.  i have $42 still available.  lunch was ok. 

trump is a super spreader.  dozens of his staff are virus infected.  the trump show moved back to the white house.  probably too distracting with him around.  he's demanding and has to be the center of attention.  i imagine it's hard getting anything else done.

so much residual negative energy in this house.  i rested 2 hours after lunch.  i need to do this every day.

boo!!

all october movies channel spooky movies.  '13 ghosts' original 'ghostbusters'.  house looks like addams family. 

i watched 'canterville ghost'  i saw as a child.  great.  i'm feeling safe and calm.  so good.  weekends were quiet with everyone gone.  then i started working retail and spent every weekend working and preparing for the week.  i'm overly relaxed and loving it. 

trumps covid positive

i guess all their posturing didn't keep the virus away.  the stock markets are falling. 

i'm having flashbacks when lawrence station road was two lanes surrounded by fields.  green, peaceful and beautiful.  we lived on the corner monroe.  killarney farms stabled a donkey and baby to advertise.  mom took mt in a stroller.  i fed them lupine weeds.  mom rolled the stroller up to the fence and the donkey reached over the fence and bit mt.  we were wearing heavy clothes sweats because of the cold she wasn't hurt. 

in the spring mom just got her license driving on lawrence hit a chicken poof feathers.

leave it to beaver-some people when they are bad they expect to be punished and resent not being punished.  my problem is i don't punish i expect better.  perpetrators resent me.

go igor

so many good points.  such a thought filled film.  the country of malaria is constant rain the 'sun will come out tomorrow' is perfect.  eva monster = 'annie' a plucky orphan is every disenfranchised child disappointed or betrayed.  no one has a perfect childhood.  even the villains are political.

jaclyn/heidi=jekyll/hyde.

i did all my banking.  i am proud of myself.  i went to bevmo bought h204, dropped off avocados toke, found house+car keys run over in road, at home ate lunch, rested then at cooling center i wrote auntie, mailed it 4;30, bought seafood salad and p'nut butter cup cookies safe way, ate in car at seniors, watched movies.  saw woman walking by road where i found keys gave them to her to find owner came home 6;30.

very good day.