pages appearing disappearing. saw guard and i'm over my autistic fascination. watching 'clue' reminds me of 'murder by death'. so funny. feeling stressed dad's 102 b'day if he hadn't died at 79. so auntie his younger sister 96. mom always jealously kept us separated from dad's side of the family or maybe the suicide details. she didn't say anything 'til '93 when she took dad's sleeping pills. weather has been so beautiful. warm and clear. picked up st just pantry and put away easily. my back is looser. i feel ok. my stomach is ok. i'm amazed. stunned even. dad's anniversary 17 or 18 on his birth certificate. he insisted they registered him late being born at home in 1920. i don't know. and will the x the 21st is bringing up anger and anxiety. so much unnecessary trouble there too. i married what i knew. i forgive my ignorance. it's hard never knowing love. i never felt the lack before. with the absence of adversity my attention is relaxed and open. maybe that's why people create so much trouble for themselves and others attempting to avoid feelings of hope/helplessness by creating other known feelings of strife. anger being a more powerful socially acceptable feeling. people choosing anger which leads to cancer a self devouring poison. fry day 18 feels like dad's real b'day. i don't feel like doing anything. being responsible i paid discover and gamed and computed upstairs. picked up lunch Pete gave his i went to car called Walter doesn't want it waited to give him jacket and bag. offered dad's alcohol he wants to pick up Tuesday senior parking lot. he doesn't want me to come to his place hiding something. new insight for me. came home ate lunch stayed rested collected alcohol garage in rolling bucket. did not go sunny. i'm so ready to leave the past behind. my sisters have gone through all my boxes. leave them behind.
No comments:
Post a Comment