i feel so sad. end/begin month blues. i started planning out bills and budget. living a new schedule feels unstable. my autism rebels. i'll power through. in some respects my new behaviors are obviously better. my back stomach are responding well and my muscles are releasing softening. i'm trusting my life is improving. i don't know.
found a new for me movie '5 star life'. and 2 books to read. i've been practicing second disc of Anat Baniel workshop. so simple and easy to overdue. that's where the discipline is necessary. i don't always know when i'm hurting myself. a lifetime of pain is confusing.
my exhaustion is from holding my emotions within since 18 months old. protecting myself from the family onslaught. i was physically threatened punished for having emotions i dared never show. the misery anxiety fear anger i encased in a shell to survive. too busy with surviving and distracted to know happiness and joy. never allowed by my family jealous of any happiness or love. all that training is stored in my body defending me from them.
i feel i want to run away. smokers are shallow breathers always ready to run, hunted animals.
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