Well, happy death day mom

I'm getting over the hurt.

She owes me Big Time.  She picked on me to satisfy her sadism and power issues.  I was the scapegoat that allowed the others to live subnormal lives.  If she had been halfway smart she would have looked for a viable, sensible, not lazy way to function.

You chose to dysfunction because you were too lazy and stupid, yes mom, you were stupid to just look to your own comfort.  Having children is a responsibility that you volunteered for.  You had the option to let me go to possibly a better life and you listened to dad, the alcoholic, who you forced to move to California.  You were in charge and you failed.  You didn't trust him with the money yet you let him make stupid investments.  What was wrong with you?

You used us to ensure dad stayed with you because he was too lazy to rebel against his family.  You knew he'd stay with you as long as there were kids.  Then when we were all grown up, he was too lazy to leave. He never would have left you.  He was always a coward and a bully.

Read today's paper.  Josie died last Thursday the eighth.  Tomas and Della drove past and saw the cars on that day. They commented.   Another user.

Mission Library attempt-king&queen-makes me royalty

I tried to get into my account Tuesday because a heat wave was due and blogger was set in dutch.  Parked at mission library in the shade. So not trusting the portal, and after trying to reset the language for forty minutes at two different terminals I quit and notified the librarian.

So today I'm celebrating that yesterday was queen of denial's b-day and I didn't stress.  I didn't realize what day it was until I went to write in my journal.  Then I tried to remember what was "special" about it.  I'm the product of the king of the passive-aggressive and Cleopatra.  

I'm the Empress of Karaoke.

Terrible two's

I've been having more flashbacks of childhood depression.  From the outside the family probably looked dysfunctionally normal, since most families are dysfunctional. 

Maybe my aspergers resulted in my depression. 

Painful terrible childhood can be better

I''''ve endured sooo much pain and humiliation I wonder if I can embrace and transmute the damage.             

Breathing and sighing helps.  Deep breaths and letting go gently.  

Checked Daily Word, Understanding.   Another word for purpose.  The reason behind the cruelty.  

It has to stop.  

The story of the Garden of Eden is just a story told in archaic terms to archaic people limited in understanding by their environment and experience.  Can I transcend my environment and experience??

Reading opens me to new worlds and different ways.

I've experienced many miracles, coincidences?  Too many and too perfect to be coincidence.

Maybe I can't, but God can.

Down with A's antenna

Saturday no tv reception so I called Joe C.  After talking to Beto and Joe and two antenna companies I decided to scrap the old and wait to start anew.  

As far as I know digital can be placed indoors so maybe I'll try one advertised on tv or check what they have at Fry's.  

All the fear, depression, hopelessness, feeling of being trapped and waiting for death came back this last week.  My childhood was a never-ending bad movie.  Books took me away from my imprisonment.  And now #1 Ladies Detective Agency.  The dvd and books.  A child who was truly loved and cherished becomes a woman able to live her self evolved life the way she chooses.  Not always the way she imagines, not easy or uncomplicated but manageable.  

Like Best Marigold Hotel, if it isn't alright it isn't the end.  Everything comes out alright in the end. 

Truly Horrible Normal Parents

I've been remembering the past and laying it to rest.  

When I was 16 and had to study for a test.   So I made dad his hot chocolate and buttered toast and had to study instead of watching tv with him and in revenge he put my 20 gal fish tank outside on the patio in the middle of December.  He punished me and my innocent fish for leaving him to eat on his own when I had to study.  

He'd rather I fail my test and in life than he be inconvenienced.  What kind of father is that?

And when he drove mom to suicide.  Well he and his dad.  She was always so afraid something would happen to dad or he'd kill himself like his father.  Because his parents were horrible does not excuse his horrible behavior and mom's condoning everything he did.

I wonder if she ever loved any of us.  She was so boy crazy and projected that on A.  Something in me was aware of projection without having a name for it.  Dad never saw us as people.  Did he even know what feelings were?  To have them and not know what they were.

What is a humane being and how do I find them?

Do they even exist?

62 yr old happy child

Friday Sydney took me to lunch and Sunday Tomas took me to Ron's w/Richard.  I'm getting better at tolerating the droning.

It's amazing to me how talking endlessly and pointlessly about the past is considered entertaining.  I could understand it if something were to be gained by it.  If the experience were to used in a constructive or positive way.  Maybe I'm missing the point.  Maybe there's a point I'm not seeing.

So I've been happily doing and being what, when and how I want.  Keeping God foremost I know my ego is subject to God.