Change, I'd rather have big money

The format for blogging is much more complicated.  As I'm simplifying my life. 

I don't know.  Hmmm, Mom used to say that a lot. 

The check engine light came on again as I was parking at the Sr. Ctr. last Fri.  I felt moderate anxiety and called Eric's shop at nine and his cell at 11.  Made an appt for 1:30 and waited until 2:40.  Drove the six miles back to the Ctr. and called his cell again.  He was getting gas and would be at the shop in ten minutes. Said he was on road call.  He was on the phone when I got there, paying bills.  Took him half an hour.  He hadn't done anything for two months.  Said he'd been sick.  He checked the light; the cat converter.  Advised waiting to replace it until smogging car in July.  I'll do it in June.

The miraculous thing was I wasn't the least bit angry or feeling dissed or anxious.  I was concerned he was alright.  And relieved he was OK.  Then when I asked to talk with him he remembered a service call to a friend of a friend, maybe.

I'll just keep praying for him.  And telling Frank to help him.  Maybe I should ask nicely. 

Saturday's scrapbooking class was remarkable.  It covered 20-30 yrs.old.  I was conscious of having chosen  X as the sum total of my family members.  The first time I admitted I chose him.  I unconsciously have chosen all my relationships not in an attempt to heal my wounds but to maintain the status quo.  WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday a.m. I dreamed of Angela Coron.  Her extending love to me terrified me.  I'm afraid of being hurt any more.  I can't take being disappointed any more.  I'm still looking for the perfect love. Even tho I slept 7 hrs I felt exhausted.  8:30 I went to Savemart for groceries and Sunday paper and went back to bed by 11am.  Slept for 1 1/2 hrs.  I actually fell asleep reading.  Never did that  b4 in my life.

I chose people I knew would abuse me so I wouldn't feel disappointed.   I'm afraid of my life getting better.

Josie criticized Tomas because she was jealous...  And she's gone and Tomas took me to see Three Stooges Movie on Thurs.  He insisted.  Drove all the heaven over the place to amuse me.  He does and says stupid things to make people laugh.  I enjoyed the heck out of it.  I must keep reminding myself he's just trying to be funny.

I have a "mole"?? growing in my ear.  Reminds me of the dark ones I had on my face that erupted and bled while trying to take care of the terrible twins(mom and dad).  I used cod liver oil and they went away.  Left ear, listening to the past.  Hearing the past.  It's like the white ones on my legs except big and rough.  Size of a pencil in two days.  Guess I'll call and meet Dr. Krieg at Kaiser.  Kaiser sent me a terrible letter saying my payment was late, threatening to cancel me.  Die, Die!!  Oh, well,  save me $829.44/month.

There's always some good in everything.

5/23/12 update-fixed o2 sensor and made plans w/e and he postponed twice.  Oh well.  Car running great and thinking of calling him for memorial day, mon/28 to see avengers in imax.

I think the ear thing was the residue from the spider bite and bad vibes from the browns in 1969.  And all the criticisms and backstabbing the chicken table spews every ever lovin' day.  I don't know how they tolerate themselves.  I guess habit.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   

Kind of having a lot of fun playing with the colors and patterns and behavior of this blog program.                     

OUCH!!

The good news is my back is better.  Last week was S.Clara cleanup.  Tomas and I carried the bed in from the garage.  Three hours.  Took me all week to recover and I didn't get sick.  Uncomfortable but not sick.

The bad news is I'm feeling more emotionally.  Without the distraction of the physical pain the anxiety and deep sadness around dad's death are with me.  So I've been feeling and processing.  I'm being kind to myself.  Bought smokes and self-medicating and meditating.  And practising not judging myself.  That's a Very Big one.

Haven't checked my emails in months.  Feels like work but I'd better keep them alive.  Hope I can remember how to get in.

Happy leap day.

Still have sniffles.  I'll just give them back.  The old Susan was so persistent in being scrupulous.  And I don't care.  Doesn't seem to affect this experience or my life would be so much better.  I've been wasting time and energy.  Maybe it's been an exercise in focus and concentration.   

Reminds me of the New Adventures of the New Susan....  I am the new Susan.  Now I understand my fascination with the New Adventures of Old Christine.  The show is unfunny, watching barely functioning messed up people navigate through life seemingly doing better than me.  I guess that's what I find so unfunny.  Just a tad jealous. Good looking white people have it the best, the easiest until they age like the rest of us.  Age is the great equalizer. 

God is neutral.

Wow! almost closed out without publishing.

Still don't know-Suffering Growing Pains.OUCH!

What I did last week I don't know but the loading sign was going round and round and I couldn't do a thing with this blog.

Carole Allen suggested something was wrong with the server when I told her all my 3 blogs were locked into loading mode.  Locked and loading. Hmmm.  She's so smart with computers.

I need to get more disciplined.  I've been feeling sooo stressed.  The reprogramming is working and is like growing a new skin.  Like a new baby experiencing growing pains.  No wonder babies cry all the time if there is no one to comfort them.  And why they become stunted, unable to grow to their capacity.  If there is no reassurance this is a very scary world.  If no one encourages them (gives them courage=heart) they curl up and wither.  Their bodies continue growing but their minds and spirits are turned inward in self-protection.  They may look alright on the outside but inside they are stunted.

So the tobacco diversion.  I took bupropion and I feel distanced from my emotions and the world.  I want to be in the world to maneuver and have the human experience.  That's why I'm here.  The tobacco is a natural analgesic.  Just enough damping down the pain and discomfort.   Cigars must be natural, no additives or preservatives.

I've been fending off a cold all week.  Last week everyone coughing, sneezing on the sunny bright days more like allergies all over the puzzle table.  So my immune system lowered from allergies and working in the yard didn't help.  I felt strong like the tiger I am, didn't think of allergies or washing off.  Oh, well live and learn.  Learn!! 

I need to write the science of evolution on Aspergersnextgeneration.

I still don't know-I'm learning trust

I think I'll spend the rest of my life learning trust.  Know matter how many wonderful miracles happen I can still feel depressed and beaten.  I finished getting dvds and coupons from the newspaper at SV lib and am directed back into the library and notice AA booklet for SC Co mtgs.  I'm tired.  Correction; I feel tired. 

How is feeling related to being?

Dashboard Blues(or Greens)

I still don't know how it works and I don't care.  I won't let it make me blue. 

I prefer greens.  Still don't know what I'm doing and it matters less.  So much of my psychic survival was dependent on knowing or being able to make up a reason for living.  I was always so punished by my family for what I did, said, knew.  I hated living.  Constantly being attacked for everything about me.  Constantly having to validate my existence. 

The lack of criticism and censure is unsettling.  My creation on purpose.  I've constructed a balance in my life between the positive and negative and to have more positives is unnerving.  So I'm a lot uncomfortable.  In every way, on every level.  

And I almost discounted my experience by saying a little uncomfortable.  It's a humongous amount.  I just discovered text color.   A on the strip up there. 

Even having spellcheck on and not having it correct me is making me uncomfortable.

I finally figured out the Dashboard controls the blogs.  And I know Edit is the way to change my blogs and Epiphany-Edit is the way to change my life.

Met Wm.Enrique Walker 5318079.  Don the bus driver's friend, customer, painter...  34 soon to be 35.  Married w/children and a grandchild.  Whew!!  Like Sandy a boon companion.  So that's two.

Life cannot get too good

I've been managing anxiety and nausea all this week.  I've been losing and then finding things in weird places.  I feel like I'm losing my mind and I guess I'm losing my old mind.  I took a Bupropion at 5 am.  My homeowner's insurance went up $134 and I dreaded calling Annie Dang to find out why.  So today I sat while puzzling and prayed and the puzzling went great so I turned it over to God.  I called and it was NO BIG DEAL.  My anxiety was because mom and dad's name on the policy brought back those bad feelings.  An  opportunity to reprogram my feelings. 

Dr. Adriane Ahern was on PBS this last weekend to remind me to breathe and how to change everything about me and my life.  Hurray!!  God!!!

I'm so blessed to be loved by God. 

Took my dvds back to S.Clara library and stopped at St Justin's for toys and 3 pants half off. 

I'm still concerned with money and there's a mtg next month for home repairs.  Hope I remember to go.  I'll turn it over to God.

Wow this is all over the place like my reprogramming.  Glad God's in charge.