i've decided to do only what needs to be done. i follow my heart. i picked up lunch, st just cris gave me sandwich lunch john gave me groceries, home by noon. just like when i first started going to senior center. i felt closer to mom there. i dropped her off when dad refused. kaiser insisted she take classes there after she survived her suicide attempt 1993 or they'd cancel her medical coverage. when he saw he couldn't isolate her he took her.
when i first started going i went a few times a week exhausted. it took all my energy to dress myself and go. i'd make my lunch in case i got low blood sugar. sometimes i'd eat there sometimes i came home too exhausted. sometimes the 3 mile drive was too much and i'd have to pull over to rest.
i gradually built up my strength 'til i could stay all day, then i started exercising. my back was still messed up, my muscles still bound. that's why whiplash injuries don't show up for 6 months or more. the more intense the muscle trauma the longer it takes for the injury to present itself. healing only happens in relaxed muscles. the body seizes up freezing the muscles as a survival mechanism when escaping danger. that's why post traumatic stress doesn't present until the person is safe, out of danger. to experience trauma while it's happening would reduce survival odds.
my left arm and shoulder are still frozen. my right side and left side look like two different bodies. they don't match. my right side hurts more but that's because the left side is still numb.
No comments:
Post a Comment