sitting thinking

i picked up lunch tiny seafood gratin very tasty.  i even liked the shrimp.  the sauce was delicious.  soggy cherry'cobbler' leaked all over bag.  i guess i don't need $5 fruit tart or do i?

paid city bank and got my lucky's $3.39 freebie quaker cheddar rice crisps.  i planned it and did it.  

i wish i were clearer on what i'm doing.  i went safe way did my thing half off honey cornbread mix we'll see.  sitting main 3 pm suddenly feeling very tired.  allergies and slow internet frustration.

home i rested, sorted senior food.  ate mac salad and cherry mess.  cleaned up and settled in.  watched 'love boat'.  i'm feeling better.  

i watched amy tan documentary.  made me sad and angry.  made me wonder if her mother ever beat and threatened to kill her with kitchen knives or sewing shears.   

i'm arranging my life.  i copied the bagua online for my pink marble perfect home.  i'll leave the specifics to my subconscious.  i'll study and meditate.  

somehow laff tv is now this tv.  8 pm john candy in 'delirious'  so funny.  a parody of my family characters.  

i'm feeling authentically angry.  these ads about anti asian attacks i've suffered my whole life even from my family.  i've gotten very good at detecting prejudice.  things as subtle as making me stand in line while others are waited on.  i've even commented on being invisible aloud.  people look shocked that i have the nerve to speak up.  sometimes they don't realize they're doing it other times they stare at me pointedly trying to intimidate me to get me to back down.  and men treating me like a concubine whore.  from the time i was 8 avoiding men grabbing at me.